English 101 Posted June 29, 2001 Didja hear the one about the undertaker who mistook the corpse for the corps and ended up in the marines? Talk about learning respect for English usage the hard way! You gotta wonder how our language came to be so chaotic and bizarre. Maybe it's a conspiracy to drive foreigners crazy. Take, for example, the word REFRAIN. As a verb it means not to do; but, as a noun, it's the part of the song that gets done over and over. And the lay-lie thing. Nothing short of diabolical, wouldn't you say? That big mamma of no-no's AIN'T means is not, are not, am not, has not, have not, and does not. Sometimes it seems sort of a shame to shun such efficiency. Here's a spelling tip: Since God, the changeless, came before all else, the altar you worship at is the one with the a. Change didn't get here till four letters later. That's the alter with an e. Here's another one, more esoteric: I am A double-edged sword. When pondering words like alumni and phenomena, remember it. The I and A forms are plural; alumnus and phenomenon are singular. Also remember, lead is a heavy metal. It just sits there weighted down by that a. If you showed someone the way out, you led them. Well, actually, you led him or her. Have you ever seen an unabridged dictionary? Do you realize how many words we have in the English language? Yet we lack a non gender-specific third person singular pronoun, which all of us grapple with almost every time we write anything. Amazing isn't it? Sometimes an action can be described with two different words, depending on perspective. In a single move, you emigrate from China and immigrate to the US. To get this one right, you have to know whether you're coming or going. Another similar case is turning red. Are you blushing or flushing? Well, it depends on what's behind it. If it's shame or shyness, chances are, you are blushing. If it's something stronger, like anger, then you're definitely flushing. (Interestingly, not flushing is a common cause of blushing.) Then there are cross-dressers like the word majority. It can be a singular collective noun as in The majority supports me; or it can take the plural as in The majority are not going to notice. Anchors Away! If naval has an A, you're talking military service; but if it has an E (navel), you're talking belly buttons. Take a good look at that orange. See the little depression on the top? It's a navel orange! Commonly confused are less and fewer. This depends on whether the term under discussion can be counted. There is less humor because there are fewer jokes. You probably know that Catholic refers to the Church of Rome, while catholic means universal; and you probably know Episcopal refers to the Church of England, but I bet you didn't know episcopal means any church governed by bishops. High Episcopalians will refer to themselves as catholic, but if you bet a Catholic that his church is episcopal, you can probably win ten bucks. The ceremony celebrating the end of one's school career is called commencement, but to commence means to begin. Go figure. And, if inconsequential means of little consequence, how come infamous doesn't mean of little fame? That dirty word liberalism? It actually means broad minded. (Ya gotta love it.) Now, say aloud the word effluvium. Notice how it flows off your tongue. What fool decided such a lovely word should mean a stinky smell? And nonplused. If you are nonplused, it seems like you should be unimpressed; but really, you are bewildered. Aren't you glad you learned this language when you were too young and stupid to know how nonplussing it is? (That's right. You never need be bewildered about how to spell it. One S or two is your choice.) If you learned English as an adult, then I bow to your feet. |
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